Doctor Who and the Daleks (sweet cigarette cards)

So, our Doctor Who adventure begins in 1964. Doctor Who is booming in popularity, kids everywhere have abandoned cowboys and Indians and are running around playing Doctors and Daleks (behind, of course, the sofa) -- and a prime money-making opportunity arises! So, the BBC licenses Doctor Who to... Just about anyone who asks. Everything released massively contradicts stuff in the TV series, but no-one cared at that point. It was fun! And most importantly, it was far more accessible than the episodes, that would usually just air the once and be lost to the wind.

Anyway. British confectioner Cadet Sweets were licensed to produce a set of 50 collectible cards in with boxes of their "sweet cigarettes" -- which were basically sweets (or candy to the Americans) in the shape of cigarettes. 54 years later, our only clue to the taste of this wonderful confectionery is in the ingredients listing: Skaro! So, I assume they tasted like an irradiated wasteland or something? Lovely.

The astute among my nonexistent readership have, I'm sure, noticed the discrepancy between the title of this blog post (Doctor Who and the Daleks) and the title on the box above (DR WHO and the DALEKS) -- the short stories on the cards were titled as "Doctor Who and the Daleks" (with a long dash for spacing), so I'm going by that... I'm talking about the story here, in theory.

So, onto the story. Aside from featuring (due to the glorious sales!) the Daleks, these cards also featured Teletubbies in rubber suits! Sorry, I mean the Voord, originally from The Keys of Marinus, a TV story (the DVD of which has a PDF of these cards as a special feature). The Voord were originally intended to be an attempt at making an enemy as popular as the Daleks... Not sure how a bloke in a rubber suit holds up against Daleks, but that's the 60s BBC for you. Now, the 50 collectible cards basically held two separate stories, albeit both featuring Daleks. Interestingly enough, the Doctor (or, " Dr. Who " -- he's even specifically referred to as human. Perhaps part of Peter Cushing's alternate universe?) is actually allied with the Daleks during the second half.

The first story seems to centre around the Daleks... Searching for hallucinogenics? Very, ah, child-friendly... Though considering sweet cigarettes existed to hook kids on actual cigarettes, hardly unsurprising. Anyway, the Daleks and Voords buddy up and head off to Earth in search of magic mushrooms. Being Daleks and Voords, and incredibly predictable, they have a bit of a domestic on and outside the spaceship.

Look, kids. Drugs are bad. They kill you. Or so say Cadet Sweets and the BBC, who have the Daleks somehow eat said mushrooms, kill a bunch of humans, then drop dead shortly afterwards. Probably food poisoning -- they didn't wash the damn 'shrooms! Interesting here is that there's no mention of the TARDIS, the story just... Ends. Maybe they didn't purchase the rights? 

Anyway, onto part two of our enthralling saga: Why Drugs Are Bad, 1964 Edition. A Dalek is captured by some humans, and bears a message to the Doctor from the Dalek Emperor (the inspiration for the popular quiz show Eggheads)... So Dr. Who kidnaps the Dalek, fastens its seatbelt, and heads off to Skaro. Dr Eggman (aka: the Dalek Emperor) has made a giant killer brain, and is apparently terrified. Said brain, quite understandably, keeps shooting Daleks, and is also about to explode! There's some dangerous radioactive substance there, the planet will explode, and it'll affect Earth... Is Earth close to Skaro, perchance? Explains why the Daleks keep popping over to serve us tea. And kill us.

In an amazing humanitarian effort, the Doctor manages to have them throw a dozen Daleks at the thing... So he can see them get zapped? Great job, anyway. He then... Just walks up and turns it off, while spontaneously turning into Sylvester McCoy? Apparently, as an Earthman (I rest my case that this is part of Peter Cushing's alternate universe) he's not targeted by the death rays. So... The killer pepper pots invite him over for a banquet? Eating seems a common theme with these Daleks, and I'm still confused by it. Do they absorb food through the plungers? Slightly unhygienic, at least if they're cleaning toilets as well...

Look, it was the 60s. Doctor Who was new, didn't really have itself established, and people just wanted to make a quick buck. Anyway, Andrew Kearley (who still hasn't added me to his Facebook group, damnit) categorizes this as canon, and the Doctor is working as a Time Lord ambassador or something. Then has his memory wiped, so he doesn't remember this later on when he first meets the Daleks and Voords?

As always, this blog is in memory of and dedicated to Robert Quine. More on him is in the works -- I got my paws on a copy of the 40th-anniversary edition of Blank Generation when it came out, and that has some previously unreleased material etc... Stay tuned for a chat about that next Saturday, or for more Who, I'll see you tomorrow when we'll be discussing the short story The Exiles.